


Bullshitting

by Fedora Of Adorableness (TheTimelessChild0)



Series: Omovember 2020 [4]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Annoyed Neal Caffrey, Awkwardness, Episode: s01e05 The Portrait, Omovember 2020, Omovember 4, Stuck in Traffic, Urination, mention of bottle pissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/Fedora%20Of%20Adorableness
Summary: There's a fine line between fact and fiction... wet pants ordry.
Series: Omovember 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987816
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6
Collections: WC²





	Bullshitting

The cab wasn’t the only car on the road slowing down. The same could be said for every single other vehicle surrounding them. Neal moved his hand from the inside door handle to the windowsill. He began rubbing his knuckles against it.

Then he noticed Peter staring at him again. 

  
“What?” he questioned, slightly irritated.

  
“I just thought...” Burke attempted to explain. 

  
“What? That I was scratching up your car? You _know_ I file them down daily...don’t give me that lackadaisical nod, I can’t believe we’ve worked for several months, and you still trust me with your wife and dog more than you do with a _car_ ,” Neal huffed.

“It’s not just a car, it’s a Taurus,” Peter protested.

  
“Oh don’t give me the four-wheel drive, surround sound speaker bullshit..why are you defending it anyway, I thought it could take care of itself?” he quipped.

This exchange could only be described as _petty_. Agent Burke didn’t see his consultant as the kind of guy to stoop that low. To bicker. Certainly not over trivial pursuits.

“This isn’t a Transformers movie. You doing okay over there? I know traffic is _crazy,_ for this early in the morning,” the Suit remarked.

“What? All of sudden you’re _worried_ about me? This isn’t my first rodeo, I just used to be further ahead, in that yellow cab,” Neal stated, dismissively.

“I’m your handler, it’s my job to be worried about you,” Peter told him. 

Caffrey scoffed. “So I’m learning,”

Neal shifted his legs to a more comfortable position. 

“Do you need to pee?” Peter asked plainly.

“No. I’m tall, this car gives me absolutely no legroom at all,” he complained.

“ ‘Cause it looks like you have to pee,” Burke remarked, pointedly.

This set him off again. 

“You know what, why are you asking _me_ , instead of this stupid thing you put on my leg? Tell you everything you need to know,” Neal spat angrily, indicating his anklet.

“Okay, listen, Neal. You have to remember; I didn’t force you to get that wrapped around your leg. I don’t blame you for being bothered by it,” Peter put his hand on Caffrey’s shoulder.

“But you’re the one who suggested our deal, I just threw a contract at you that said exactly the same thing. _You_ put that on your leg. Because you didn’t want to stay in prison. And I didn’t want you to either. Like or not, it’s the price of the freedom you _deserve_. Despite all that, you’ve been a big help to the Bureau so far, these first few weeks; and I know I’m not the only one who thinks so,” Burke told him.

“Hmm. Didn’t really think of it like that,” Neal smiled, crossing his legs.

“So, do you have to pee?” the Suit asked, kinder this time.

“Yes, okay, let it go,” the con man shifted in his seat.

“As long as _you_ don’t,” Peter couldn’t help himself. Fortunately, the joke landed...to the extent that the CI was capable of laughing, without making the joke _ironic_.

“Yet,” the agent added, turning on his signal. Caffrey saw the move for what it was and rolled his eyes. 

“No, come on, that’s completely uncalled for. We’re late enough as it is; I’ll be fine,” he claimed, grasping the edge of his seat.

“You sure?” Peter’s eyes crinkled in concern, fretting to find something that could enlighten him as to the truth of that statement.

“Positive, keep...nudging,” Neal insisted, nudging his own bladder to _shut the hell up_.

* * *

Cars continued to crawl forward like caterpillars.

“Why didn’t you go before we left?” the question dawned on the agent.

“I forgot,” he replied, slightly sheepish. As a man who prided himself on his intelligence, this level of stupidity was just plain embarrassing. One of the most basic lessons humans learn is to _listen to their bodies_. One thing was clear; he really wanted to see where the painting was stolen from..and use the bathroom there.

Neal did the following things in rapid succession; pressing down on his knees while his legs were crossed, tapped his hands on his thigh while the whole leg bounced to the beat of whatever song was on the radio. And, finally, contorting his legs in a wide variety of semi-crossed shapes and statures.

Peter saw, and sighed. _Well, that's a pretty clear sign_...

“Neal. Are you _sure_ you don’t need me to pull over?” he checked again.

“I still don’t need you to. But I _want_ you to,” the con man acquiesced, awkwardly. 

His handler was taking a solid note of the fact Neal didn’t so much lie as spout _BS_ when in this... situation.

“When you gotta go, you gotta go,” Burke remarked, flipping on the turn signal again.

“Yes, I’m _familiar_ with basic human biology; would you just pull over, please?!” Neal begged.

“Already on it,” Peter assured him.

* * *

The first place his eyes fell, was on the shelves in front of the cash register. Caffrey picked out a candy bar, (Snickers, his favourite) and threw it at the desk, itching the back of his thigh for dear life. 

He was informed of the cost and provided it.

“Thank you, could I get the bathroom key please?” Neal requested politely.

The lady behind the counter smiled, unsurprised. 

“You don't need one, it’s right around that corner; open to anyone,” she explained with a soft chuckle.

Neal echoed her amusement, stroking and subsequently massaging both thighs.

“Hey, still good manners,” he shrugged and waved as he left.

🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹

Back by the car, Burke was called by Jones.

CJ- _Hey, I’m at the house, where the hell are_ _you_ _?_

PB- _Sorry, had to make a pit stop._

CJ- _Meaning, what, you had to go to the bathroom? I thought Elizabeth got you to stop drinking so much coffee in the morning._

PB- _Yes, she did...only problem is that she didn’t give June this little piece of advice._

Peter wondered whether a smile could be heard. If so, he was being exceptionally loud.

CJ- _Only gun_ **_he_ ** _ever shoots_

Burke nodded and laughed. Neal appeared behind him.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Peter replied innocently.

Caffrey raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

“Well, except maybe... _you_ ,” the Suit admitted.

“That Jones on the phone?” Neal then asked.

“It might be,” 

The CI picked up the phone.

“Nature calls in every language; 8, in my case. Including conversational Swahili. Honestly, I’m just grateful to get a toilet and not a hole in the ground,” he mentioned to his colleague. “Traffic willing, we’ll be there in about 8-10 minutes. Don’t bother calling Peter back, try the Marshals; they’d give a _much_ more accurate ETA,” 

The call ended.

Peter took the phone back, keeping his eyes on Neal. 

“What,” Neal deadpanned.

“You were never that far south,” Burke pointed out.

“No, but I did go to Italy. Same difference, right?” he grinned playfully.

“Italian toilets are not _holes in the ground_ ..they have a ceramic plate, surrounding a crevice cut into, _okay_ it’s a hole in the ground,” Peter tried to argue but relented in the same sentence.

“A very nice hole in the ground,” Caffrey acknowledged.

“Not the easiest target to aim at,” the agent noted.

  
“Define aiming,”

They shared a laugh all the way back to the conveyor belt of cars.

* * * * * * * * * * *

“So, what did you get?” Peter questioned, pointing at Caffrey's pockets.

“A Snickers. King size. Want half?” Neal offered.

“Sure, thanks”

Neal took a bite, and immediately rolled his eyes.

“What?” Burke said with his mouth full.

“Just because it’s a snack-size doesn’t mean you have to eat it in one bite,” he registered his disapproval.

“You have your way, I have mine,” Peter commented. 

“Yep. Another thing that makes us _polar opposites_ ,” Neal noted, chomping off half of his bar.

“Strictly hypothetically, what would you’ve done if there was nowhere to pull over?” Neal wondered, putting the last piece into his mouth with his right index finger.

Peter pulled a bottle from the back of his seat. 

“You keep that in here for me or you?” Caffrey cringed. Burke looked sideways, blinking.

“Good answer,”

The End.


End file.
